I had a wonderful visit with Rowan that started yesterday afternoon and ended when I dropped her off at home today around 4. We started with a movie at the theater about Trolls, popcorn and French fries. She enjoyed it so much she was dancing in front of our seats with a friend at the end. Then we hit a pet store for a bit, ordered pizza to be delivered, painted, played instruments, played jenga, played with play dough, watched a couple more movies. It was a good night and we were in bed by 9.
This morning we did our walk with Diesel to SB's Love Shack for a unicorn pancake and bacon for her, eggs and bacon for me, complete with games of Connect Four while we waited. Then about an hour at the park and it was gorgeous out. She had ice cream.
Not ready to go home, we called and were told no need to rush so we rested and played... then napped before taking her home.
I was invited to stay for a lasagna dinner and had a difficult couple of hours of conversation with Kalob and Gabby, but a great ending to the weekend. It's always nice to spend time with them, but it's difficult to hear about the struggle Kalob's having with his father and step-mom. I feel so responsible for how they treated him growing up. I couldn't have tried harder for things to be different. Now, it's coming full circle for him. I would do anything to be able to take his pain away.
In the back of my mind I've been really struggling with the outcome of my date the other night. The disclosure. Everything I shared that I didn't need to. How some things could have come across much worse than they were.
Talking about my custody issues, for example. Did I really need to tell my date that the only real issues I had over the years involving my mental health were over custody of my son? Maybe that was something that could have waited. Yes, things were terrible. But they were not terrible because I was sick all the time. I wasn't. And I wasn't drinking. That was pretty rare. They were terrible because I was dealing with terrible people who used my health challenges against me in court at every opportunity.
I found out this evening, even, that they spoke to my son about my health challenges and need for medication when he was being given the choice of homes to live in, at 14 years old. My son was told that because I took medication, he would learn to be a stronger person living in their home. What a thing to lay on a child! I'm sick over the thought of it.
Anyway, I'm really struggling with my decision to disclose so much the other night AND my behavior afterward. I drank alcohol.
What kind of person am I? Why do I take such risks? How can I learn to be different and do better?
Talking about alcohol in this blog is very difficult. I want to be a person of integrity. How can I justify consumption of it at all? Somehow I did. Today, it's lost on me.
If I were someone who prayed regularly, tonight would be a good night for it.
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