So... I had a really nice Easter with an exception. Mom.
I spent the morning in bed relaxing... afternoon fishing with the kids... evening on the sofa. I had an easy day.
She didn't respond to my Happy Easter text or answer my call. I understand. My apology was not accepted.
I feel like I can explain but how to do so best? A long email maybe?
And I'm grateful that he acknowledged my text, even if it was a minimal response. I understand that too.
I'm a little messed up.
At this point... both know they can check on me through this blog. Would this be a good tool? Oy. Probably not.
My book, it's supposed to be helpful for people who have similar experiences. Would it not be? What did I expose? Should I be ashamed? Embarrassed? Does it have to be hurtful? It clearly is. But wouldn't it help others to know that they're not alone? Relationships are hard! Parenting is hard! Do I need permission? Is it worth the risk? Maybe not!
I am not responsible for what is happening between others, or am I? If I can help, should I? How? All I can do is continue to try to sort things through in my mind. Here it is.
I would not have moved south out of college if relationships had been better. "I hope you don't think you're going to lay around watching TV," was what was said to me close to graduation time.
Parenting is difficult. Always has been. But it was more, I believe, in the past. We knew much less in the past about the development of the human brain and the needs of children.
I wasn't taking very good care of myself. In college. Or during my pregnancy later. I did the best I could with the help that I had. I wasn't very smart. I just didn't know.
I did, during my pregnancy, get government assistance so that I could eat better and take vitamins. That was something.
My doctor told me the stress from trying to quit smoking may not be worth it. It was a high risk pregnancy already. She told me to keep smoking if I had to. I was told I smelled every day. I was ashamed.
The man I was with wasn't always kind. I didn't even know how to make him tea. I served his food too hot.
We cannot change the past, only work on today and a brighter tomorrow. We may need to acknowledge the past in order to do this.
We have had a poopy past.
Yesterday was Easter. For Amy, I listened to her church service on Facebook Live and it was really nice. It was about whether or not individuals BELIEVE. It's a very good question. I can't help it if I don't know if I do. Can I? All I can do is dedicate time to exploring it?
And both point fingers at each other and say... how can that person call himself/herself a Christian and behave that way? Both hurt each other. I don't think either does it intentionally, to the degree that it happens. Both practice faith. Both love deeply. Both hurt deeply.
And in a house not far away, Christians talk about their next vacation, and neglect him. One of the most important people in my life. My son.
Christianity.
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