April 13, 2025 ~ Sunday

Good morning! It’s been a good one already. First, let’s catch up.

Friday was a devastating day. It started ok, with a trip to Williamsburg to see a judge about my Intoxication in Public charge from September. The officer showed up this time and said no, I wasn’t causing a scene or anything. They just felt I was intoxicated and I couldn’t get a ride home, and they couldn’t give me a ride home, all the way to Richmond, so they had to hold me. The charge was dropped.

On Thursday I had received notice that my payment for my phone wouldn’t go through due to nonsuffivient funds, however, so I needed to figure something out Friday. I was devastated thinking I was going to lose my phone, contacts, and Mapquest. How would I find my way anywhere? And we’re not talking about my even trying to get a job yet, or work for myself. I was lost.

Finally, resolved to losing it, I started preparing family and friends with my email. And mom swooped in to save the day… again.

I’m humiliated that I can’t pay my own bills. I can’t believe I lost another good job. I’m having a really difficult time thinking I may not be able to hold down another job, or, about the thought of getting a poopy job, and getting sick again, and losing it. How much can one person take? How much should I put myself through?

I mentioned to mom that I may need to move home, give up for now. Feeling broken.

We were back and forth about my staying a little while to go to the new treatment program started last week. But there will be treatment programs in Pittsburgh.

I’m broken because I can’t see my family enough too.

The thought of moving away from them is so, so hard.

Friday I did ALOT of crying… and some driving. I picked up medications that were overdue. Picked up a few groceries. And came home and sat with Meg. We talked and I told her my potential plan. She said it’s ok to keep my things in her spare room. And she understands how difficult things must be. We watched a show called Handmaidens? Or something like that. Very good and a good distraction.

Yesterday… as things do… things started to feel a bit better again. And mom offered more financial assistance. 🥹 humiliating but I don’t have choice. She either helps here, or helps me in her home. My bills are minimal and will remain the same. Phone, car insurance.

All day yesterday I thought about whether or not I should go and, if I do, when. I’m talking myself out of it. I can’t imagine not seeing my kids here at every opportunity.

I wrote a letter to my son to give to him on his birthday, Tuesday. I may or may not do it. It talks about the dangers of absence. How Rowan will lose the wonderful memories we’ve created and we will lose the opportunities to create new ones, if my visitations continue to be so restricted. As they are, it wouldn’t matter if I live in Richmond or Pittsburgh. They’re reduced. I can always come back and visit.

Primarily, though, the letter offers proof, by way of photos, notes, journals, report cards, crafts… that I wasn’t as bad of a mother as he seems to have in his mind at this time. I can understand his triggering, but I don’t know that I can sit aside and allow our past to be so colored by stories. I believe, and others would testify to it (Eric, mom and Bruce, Amy, Dawn…), that I was really good with and for him as a child in many, many ways. And ultimately, I would be for my grandchildren.

And time goes really fast. Absence is not good.

And we haven’t even started talking about the impact on Junior. 🥹

I stayed home and in bed most of the day and night yesterday. I did move many things out of Meg’s boyfriend’s room and into mine, in prep for his visit and my potential departure. I’ll put as many things as I can from downstairs in my room too, if I go.

I showered and thought about going out on my own sober dancing last night. And I thought about drinking. I napped and chose to do neither, just spent the evening talking with Meg and watching another episode of the show that’s new to me.

I ended the evening feeling like I can’t go. I can’t leave my family.

I had also received an invitation to visit them for dinner Sunday night (tonight).

This morning, I’m up thinking about dinner and how I can prepare for it. I am daydreaming about important contact I can make with the kids, things we can do and talk about together. The babies. Memories we can make.

Meg is sleeping late, a good thing. She and I are supposed to do some grocery shopping and I’m not ready. I dusted the dining room, fed the animals. Drank some coffee. Relaxed.

I feel like anything I do or say can make a difference in our future, this evening. Whether I stay or go. But, I have to think about my reasons for going. I’m not feeling as devastated as before. I just need some time until my disability kicks in. I am pretty sure it will this time.

What’s important? My mental health. Going to groups this week. Having my individual therapy. Taking my medications properly with food, which I learned I need to do. I didn’t know that, or why it was important.

My relationships with my family and friends. Making memories.

New hobbies? Exercise? I have to figure out how I’m going to spend downtime if I’m not going to be working. I can’t believe I’m not going to be working.

Have a good day.