Just when I think I’m ready to give up on my employer, he steps up and shows me an exemplary man. I received some much needed paternal attention from him yesterday that was very kind.
It was all I could do to get my body from my home to the office for our Tuesday meeting. I dreaded it beyond belief, my fear being a long meeting with my boss AFTER the sales meeting, of a severely exhausting type. I mean, we’ve had meetings which have required days of recovery time.
Well he wasn’t really needing to meet so we were wrapping up pretty quickly. He asked me why I was in such a hurry to leave and I told him the truth. That it was all I could do to get myself there, that I’m going through a difficult time. He asked me to tell him more. So I did.
I received sympathy for my loss of Diesel, which meant a lot. Because he hadn’t asked how my vet trip went after being told about it last Monday.
And I received advice about how to think about the situation with Kalob. To forgive him for being in a situation that made him uncomfortable. I’m going to try. I really, really appreciated his attention. And time. He is a Christian man.
I got through the workday, still processing anger in my car. I’m disappointed in me for some of my thoughts. All of the things I could say about that man and his family. A selfish, arrogant man. The things he said, and did, to me when we were together. I can remember telling Kalob some when I wasn’t well a couple of years ago. He didn’t want to hear it. Believe it. It was all true. This whole event has been quite triggering actually.
I permitted myself some wine and sat on the porch with Riley while it rained, and had a visitor. My friend who’s going on the cruise with us. This is his second visit since Diesel passed, two days in a row, just a short one before he went to play pool. He’s been checking on me since Sat. This man, he cracks me up has so many questions. I’ve never met anyone so curious. And chatty. He tells me so much about his thoughts and his life. A real philosopher. Thinking all the time about life and what actions from others and of his own mean.
I may share my blog with him soon. He’s commented he’d like to see it. I’ve told him already about all of the mistakes I’ve made over the past four years so I have nothing to hide.
He, of course, has lots of questions about my illness too. Says he’s done research and I believe him.
Honestly, I don’t remember what time I fell asleep but it wasn’t long after he left, I don’t think. League started at 7. I watched a little Outlander and drifted.
I did tell him that I was thinking, after the cruise, and a wine tour on June 8 (a birthday gift from a friend), I may try sober living. I have not been totally honest in my blog about this problem that I feel I have. The problem really being not proud of myself, perhaps.
This is not to say that I’ll be out of control on the cruise either. That’s not how I’m seeing it. I’m seeing the cruise these days as a MUCH needed vacation that happens to be in an incredible place. I do need a break from life just like everyone does sometimes. Just happens I made a bad decision to book it right before my jeep broke down. I have to take the cruise sometime now, might as well do it when my friends will be on the ship too.
My friend’s response to my thoughts on sober living, a little concern about commonalities at first I think, but surprise when I told him I still love music and dancing, even sober. We love dancing together. I told him that I know I may be risking friendships with my decision but he’ll just have to decide if he still finds me fun then.
Taking care of my mental health last week, while tending to Diesel, I made sure I was sober and it worked. I took good care of myself so that I could take care of him. And survive.
I miss my baby.
This morning, I need to plan a workday. Send receipts to the office for reimbursement. Hit the road. I have a therapy appt at 4.
I have pool league tonight and am not looking forward to facing everyone after letting them down last week, even though I think they understood my situation. We lost in the playoffs. I was a no show. Given permission to tend to Diesel but I still feel bad.
One more thing to note before I go. I called her yesterday and told her the deed was done. I told my brother why she was hurt. I told both of them that I love them both and will try to help them mend ways in the future, if they want me to.
The truth is, if he can find forgiveness for me, can he find it for her too? I’m being treated differently now than in the past. I’m treating HIM differently than in the past too. I have a respect that wasn’t always there. I know this. I blame my young self for not growing up sooner. For the longest time I didn’t know the meaning of the word respect. For anyone, really. I’m not proud of this discovery.
I realized that after her question, what about how he treats you? A reference to my not knowing my nieces. I’m not in a hurry to push things and fix that. I need to do some work on myself first, perhaps. And make sure my good work sticks. If we are to get there. I need to be a better person. Reliable. Worthy of trust. I don’t feel not knowing them was a punishment, but unfortunate circumstances caused by both of our actions, mine and his.
Sober living. That is what I need. I think.
The more I think about it, and I’ve been thinking ALOT about it, I believe something happened to trigger me to drink more. Was it the book? Because I was okay with how I was living until I wrote the book… then a series of negative things started happening in my life. Things of which I am not proud.
Meds/vitamins. Coffee. Water. Dog. (😢singular) News. Still skipping good morning on Facebook. Not in the mood for that. Blog.
One more thought: The illness that I manage is a killer. No. It’s not true that “there is always next year.” I may not always be around for birthday parties. And I’m higher risk than some not to be. THAT is the truth. Sadly. Not wanting to end this post on a negative note. Not worried about myself right now. Just noting a thought I had this morning.
Pretty soon I’ll start saying “Have an amazing day!” Again. I hope.
Comments