I just had the longest, weirdest dream. All about being outed for having bipolar disorder during exam time, the final test to graduate from grad school. The morning of the test, the professor through a last question to the end of the test, have you felt these symptoms or have you been diagnosed with…
I’m trying to wake up and write about it before it’s gone but I’m having trouble. I took a full Benadryl last night and that, combined with the melatonin, regular sleep meds, fact that I woke up at 3:30 Tues morning and didn’t get a nap, and I forgot my meds yesterday morning… caused the deepest sleep I’ve had in as long as I can remember.
In my dream: two professors, several people I used to go to high school with, my kids, my grandkids, my parents… the P’s who ended the dream chasing us in their vehicle pointing fingers and freaking out.
At the end of the dream I remember thinking, so now they all know. There was satisfaction. And irony. I had been a poor student. And anger.
Waking up, yesterday was a really strange day full of a roller coaster of emotions, and many stable ones as well. Gratitude for this last bit of time with Diesel, especially since he was in good enough spirits to walk the block with me and Riley at lunchtime (even pulling me to get at smells), and go to a friend’s house and investigate his yard. Fear that he’ll continue to have good little moments and cause me to reconsider Sat. And sadness that it is ending. Oddly I was able to work and control my thoughts to a degree, on and off.
Complicatinh things, Rowan’s 5th birthday is Sat and the kids are having E and his family over. A small birthday party and I’m not invited because they can’t stand me. Rowan has asked repeatedly if I’m coming to her birthday party. Kalob said I can come after they leave.
Sunday is Mother’s Day and I’m really missing my mom. I’m not going to publish a book she’s not proud of, I believe I finally decided. I can write one that everyone is proud of I think. Or maybe I won’t publish at all.
And the cruise is coming up. On a good note, I finally agreed to a roommate which will help with the expense a bit. I hope I don’t regret it, because my friend who will share my room, is a man who has expressed romantic interest in the past. We’ll have separate beds. All of my other friends on the trip love him to death. I think they’ll all have a great time and I’ll get through.
Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll stay home.
On a good note, it was a really productive work day including a successful meeting with the owner of the company. Maybe I can push the thoughts of needing another job to the back of my mind for a little bit.
I’m overwhelmed. I’m grateful to have my workday scheduled already so I can move slow this morning. I will need to take an early call and help a colleague but I can do it.
Oh. I spent an hour and a half on the phone with a rep yesterday and signed up for a program that will help me to get out of the financial debt I’ve acquired over the next two and a half years, cutting debt in half and working on my credit at the same time. It sounds too good to be true. My fingers are crossed.
Whew I’m feeling better after that weird dream and my morning meds are kicking in. Time to get Diesel his meds and get ready to take him out.
Today, need to work, go to a psych appointment in the afternoon, pick up Mother’s Day card and get it in the mail, play in the playoffs on our pool team tonight. I have to keep it together for my team.
If by some miracle the day goes smoothly I may be able to pick up Rowan’s gift for sat.
I can’t believe actually life right now.
I’ve gone from one day at a time to one moment at a time.
Meds/vitamins. Dogs. Coffee. News. Skip Facebook. Blog
If there is a Lord, please help me.
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