Still Working on the Guilt

I'm still working on the guilt I have for last night. I don't know why I feel I need to drink. I know it's not good for me. But I just like it and it feels normal right now. Perhaps if/when I meet someone it'll be less. I know I didn't drink much during my marriage, or at least not that often.

I know it doesn't cause episodes. But it causes me to feel bad sometimes... which can be triggering. So perhaps it is a cause. I don't know.

All I know is sometimes I feel it's ok to do. Other times I feel like it's incredibly selfish of me. And naive. Can I help it? That's a question.

I wouldn't recommend it to others with challenges like my own. My own advice would be why take unnecessary risks? So why can't I take my own advice?

I admitted to a peer a couple weeks ago that one of the reasons I have not gone back into the peer support world is my interest in living a normal life which can include alcohol if I want it to. There is a strict code of ethics that I believe strongly in for peer support specialists to strive to abide by. His response was there wouldn't be any peer support specialists if that were strict.

Humph.

Anyway... I allowed myself a lot of rest this morning, did some work and prepped for a phone call I made to my supervisor. Last week was a super busy and productive one, including 6 leads called into the office. The most I've had in a week. Also, 3 formal meetings and 64 touches. 5 new accounts, or properties where leads were generated for the first time. Whew!

I did a couple loads of laundry, straightened up the house, broomed. The replacement belt came for my vacuum but I need G to put it on.

I realize I'm stuck with my terribly broken couch while I'll be getting visitors next month. The baby shower weekend. Ugh!! It's ok. They'll understand. Still, it's embarrassing. I just can't afford to replace it right now.

And I'm off to the hair salon getting highlights, overdue. So! A day where some things are getting done.

Oh I haven't said anything about this but my heart is going out to my next door neighbor. I mentioned before that I thought she may be having a bipolar episode? (Gave me a ring off her finger) it seems she has to move this month. She said her landlord offered her part of her deposit back if she could go by the 30th. Being that it is today, I wonder if she'll be gone by the time I return. I feel terrible for her but hope that they'll be in a better position in their new home. In the house they're in, 2 bedrooms, 3 teenagers. One was in the living room. One the dining room.

I'm reminded of all of the advantages I've had over her and others like her in dealing with our health issues. I imagine our childhoods were very different and, though mine was difficult, I was for the most part safe. I wonder if she was.

I say for the most part because I still managed to get in my share of trouble, which included some running away from home. I definitely wasn't ALWAYS safe, but I was when I was at home.

I also had other advantages, like living in a nice neighborhood, going to good schools, having a few role models. Being encouraged to go to college.

I wanted to be closer to M next door last year but realized the men she associated with may be trouble and it scared me. Including some illegal drug trafficking. I have no idea what amount or if it was substantial. I just know that there was some distribution going on via M's brother. The poor kids. I had to distance myself.

I didn't have enough information to try to get involved. And I really don't think it was a substantial amount.

My head's under a heat lamp now with color in it and I'm pleased. I like getting things done. I'm trying to decide what needs attention most next. I need new jeans and dresses for work. I need to be prepared better for going out on the road as this weather cools off. And I need shoes/boots to go with. Ugh. Shopping can be hard!

Happy Saturday!